The Room (2003)

Oh hai Readers! Wow, this movie is terrible. I can’t wait to see the Rifftrax for it making fun of this movie. I watched it the normal way and it was a terrible thing to go through. The only way to watch it is as a comedy. It seems like it should be a late-night Cinemax movie with its cheesy lines and bad romance. Tommy Wiseau is a genius as Pewdie Pie would say. He seems so bored but under that somber veneer he’s coming up with more great lines using every character’s first name within them. This movie is crazy and you’ll really hate Lisa, because she’ll tear you apart! Oh hai Mark!

50/100

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The Room (2003)

Detachment (2011)

I kind of wish Adrien Brody would detach himself from Hollywood. I’ve never really liked him as an actor. The thing is, I think he whispers his lines too much and then calls that acting. This movie was depressing. First of all it was almost a giant ad for “WE HATE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” and this movie doesn’t let you forget that. Then Brody has unhealthy attachments to underage girls (living with a prostitute for most of the movie). It makes all racial groups into a harsh light, showing Asian girls as being slutty, black students as being almost viscous and white people as suicidal sociopaths. I think also this movie should be shown to teachers before they get their first job, so they can expect the worst and not be surprised. This movie was a real downer, and it doesn’t make you feel too good about humanity or the American education system.

62/100

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Detachment (2011)

The Brand New Testament (2015)

Sorry, I don’t think God or anyone would choose to make Brussels the first ever city. This movie starts off on the wrong foot at the very start of Genesis. I don’t really like how they depicted God in this film. A drunken, abusive and perverted pedophile of a father. It’s almost like this movie wanted to be shocking and disgusting right from the start. The movie gets a lot better when it focuses on God’s daughter Ea who is super cute and likable. Also the collection of the 6 Apostles (making it 18 for a Baseball Team) was interesting. The ending was pretty lame and I hate to say other than a few laughs and feel-good moments this movie will be forgotten like the dead-sea scrolls.

68/100

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The Brand New Testament (2015)

Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

This is an interview where I wouldn’t accept the invitation. These Vamps are not the wussy sparkly kind that you see today. These will burn in sunlight and drain you like a juice box. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt work excellently with each other. Kirsten Dunst steals the show as the bloodthirsty killer girl with killer curls. Christian Slater doesn’t have a huge role, but an important one. Plus I think he’s awesome. It was nice to see Thandie Newton in this, I’ve always liked her and although Banderas had a limited role in this movie, he did a great job. The movie flows really well and you start to really like the characters. Anne Rice is an excellent writer, so it was nice she did the screenplay for this movie. A classic 90’s Vampire film.

81/100

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Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

As cool as a black cutoff t-shirt. Samurai Cop 2 was a Kickstarter dream to make a sequel to a horrible movie made in the 90’s. This movie takes the funny route for the most part. It really embraces the smarmy Joe Marshall and then brings back a lot of old and beloved faces from the original movie. Add a list of adult film stars and some purposeful bad writing and some troma-esque gore and you have this fun movie. I like this a lot better than the original because they just took the funny parts a lot further. I almost want to watch this again to see if I missed any jokes while I was laughing at others. Watch this if you love a really dumb action movie like Tropic Thunder (which I loved).

77/100

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Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

Samurai Cop (1991)

Samurai Cop. The Cop that knows how to chop. This movie seems a lot older than a 90’s film. It has a really dated feel to it, I’m not sure if it was purposeful or not or if it was just bad film equipment and editing that went into this project. One thing I will say about this movie is that it is pretty dang funny. It has some really dumb gory scenes that look really fake, hilarious editing like the guy getting run over by the car or falling down the stairs (you see that they just cut and had him roll down the last two stairs). Matt Hannon is a terrible actor with the most lustrous hair that Fabio would envy (it looks dumb on a cop though). Robert Z’dar was one of the few good actors in this film, but even he had a skeleton of a script to work with. Other than the (unintentional?) laughs and the beautiful actresses this movie is a joke. It also happens to be on Rifftrax which adds even more entertainment.

65/100

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Samurai Cop (1991)

Hell or High Water (2016)

It wasn’t hell to watch this and instead of high water, it had some high-larity all around! The writing was my favorite part of this movie Taylor Sheridan did a great job and gave the actors some really good dialogue that made you connect with all types of characters. I loved the setting of Texas with its wide open vistas and muted color palate. When there was action, it was really good and some shocking moments came out of those scenes. Jeff Bridges stole the show of course but I did also really like Ben Foster’s performance. I was unsure about Chris Pine as a Texan (he seems more Midwestern) but he did a fine job too. An excellent crime movie, that also sticks it to some bad people. A fun experience everyone should see.

88/100

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Hell or High Water (2016)