Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

As cool as a black cutoff t-shirt. Samurai Cop 2 was a Kickstarter dream to make a sequel to a horrible movie made in the 90’s. This movie takes the funny route for the most part. It really embraces the smarmy Joe Marshall and then brings back a lot of old and beloved faces from the original movie. Add a list of adult film stars and some purposeful bad writing and some troma-esque gore and you have this fun movie. I like this a lot better than the original because they just took the funny parts a lot further. I almost want to watch this again to see if I missed any jokes while I was laughing at others. Watch this if you love a really dumb action movie like Tropic Thunder (which I loved).

77/100

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Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

Samurai Cop (1991)

Samurai Cop. The Cop that knows how to chop. This movie seems a lot older than a 90’s film. It has a really dated feel to it, I’m not sure if it was purposeful or not or if it was just bad film equipment and editing that went into this project. One thing I will say about this movie is that it is pretty dang funny. It has some really dumb gory scenes that look really fake, hilarious editing like the guy getting run over by the car or falling down the stairs (you see that they just cut and had him roll down the last two stairs). Matt Hannon is a terrible actor with the most lustrous hair that Fabio would envy (it looks dumb on a cop though). Robert Z’dar was one of the few good actors in this film, but even he had a skeleton of a script to work with. Other than the (unintentional?) laughs and the beautiful actresses this movie is a joke. It also happens to be on Rifftrax which adds even more entertainment.

65/100

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Samurai Cop (1991)

Hell or High Water (2016)

It wasn’t hell to watch this and instead of high water, it had some high-larity all around! The writing was my favorite part of this movie Taylor Sheridan did a great job and gave the actors some really good dialogue that made you connect with all types of characters. I loved the setting of Texas with its wide open vistas and muted color palate. When there was action, it was really good and some shocking moments came out of those scenes. Jeff Bridges stole the show of course but I did also really like Ben Foster’s performance. I was unsure about Chris Pine as a Texan (he seems more Midwestern) but he did a fine job too. An excellent crime movie, that also sticks it to some bad people. A fun experience everyone should see.

88/100

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Hell or High Water (2016)

Das Boot (1981)

I’d like to stick my Das Boot up Wolfgang Petersen’s… um, nevermind. I know this is a classic film that a lot of people loved, but I have to say that I think it gets really boring and repetitive after two hours. The 3 and half hour director’s cut is super hard to get through in one sitting. I did it, but I never want to do it again. There is some good acting, except for that stupid ginger guy who had some really terrible hammy acting. The dubbed voice for him was also done as annoying as possible, so I think the dubbing crew also realized the guy was a gigantic tool of the sea. I also wish this movie had more submarine battles, instead we just get one while the rest of the movie is “Dive,dive, dive!” oh! Quick surface and look for ships… Oh no! Look out depth charges… let’s wait it out guys and listen to music and eat fruit!… rinse and repeat. It starts feeling like stock footage after the second hour, watch it again after reading this and you’ll notice. It’s too bad a good movie, gets ruined by getting too lengthy. I’m giving this film the boot.

62/100

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Das Boot (1981)

Starred Up (2014)

No, this is not about starting a new Tech company. It’s about a young man in prison that also happens to be the same prison his father is staying in. Starred up is British slang for a young offender being transferred from juvenile prison to the adult prison earlier than normal. Jack O’Connell did a fine job acting, so did Ben Mendelsohn but that’s where my love of this movie stopped. The DVD I watched this on had no option for subtitles and so with the accents of the actors, I found myself lost at what they were saying with no subtitle help. It was pretty much like watching a foreign film with no translation provided for you. This movie also didn’t have much of an ending either. It just wasn’t really very good, almost felt like a prison sentence. Maybe that’s what they were going for.

47/100

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Starred Up (2014)

Goodnight Mommy (2015)

Well I didn’t lose any sleep over this horror film. The filmmakers brought back creepy twins a la the Shining. Yes, twins are creepy and it works for the most part. I think the mother was actually more creepy than the kids throughout the film. I still don’t understand half of what happened in this movie. It also has a very non-ending ending. Some of the effects were cool and there was a good creep-factor in some of the scenes, but I thought the violence was a little too torturous. It felt like a Saw movie at times. I’m more of a thriller or Hitchcock kind of guy, violence can happen off screen, I don’t need to see eyelids being super glued shut and blood squirting out everywhere. If anyone can explain this movie to me, I’d appreciate it.

69/100

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Goodnight Mommy (2015)

Victoria (2015)

Cute name for a cute girl. Sadly this film wasn’t cute at all. A girl from Spain meets up with a group of Berlin lifers. She gets mixed up in a plot to rob a bank and is on the run for most of the movie. Once again, I’d like to smack the maker of Birdman. This movie tries to be edgy like Birdman and has the over the shoulder shot, following Victoria around the whole movie. I hate this new trend. I like to see a lot of different shots, and this closely following stalker-shot for a whole movie gets really boring, really fast. I found the plot to this film to be highly unbelievable… either that or European women are just really susceptible to coercion of men they meet at a disco for the first time. The only saving grace is that the title character is a pretty good actress and she is cute as a bunny on top of a kitten.

55/100

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Victoria (2015)