Detachment (2011)

I kind of wish Adrien Brody would detach himself from Hollywood. I’ve never really liked him as an actor. The thing is, I think he whispers his lines too much and then calls that acting. This movie was depressing. First of all it was almost a giant ad for “WE HATE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” and this movie doesn’t let you forget that. Then Brody has unhealthy attachments to underage girls (living with a prostitute for most of the movie). It makes all racial groups into a harsh light, showing Asian girls as being slutty, black students as being almost viscous and white people as suicidal sociopaths. I think also this movie should be shown to teachers before they get their first job, so they can expect the worst and not be surprised. This movie was a real downer, and it doesn’t make you feel too good about humanity or the American education system.

62/100

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Detachment (2011)

The Brand New Testament (2015)

Sorry, I don’t think God or anyone would choose to make Brussels the first ever city. This movie starts off on the wrong foot at the very start of Genesis. I don’t really like how they depicted God in this film. A drunken, abusive and perverted pedophile of a father. It’s almost like this movie wanted to be shocking and disgusting right from the start. The movie gets a lot better when it focuses on God’s daughter Ea who is super cute and likable. Also the collection of the 6 Apostles (making it 18 for a Baseball Team) was interesting. The ending was pretty lame and I hate to say other than a few laughs and feel-good moments this movie will be forgotten like the dead-sea scrolls.

68/100

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The Brand New Testament (2015)

Samurai Cop (1991)

Samurai Cop. The Cop that knows how to chop. This movie seems a lot older than a 90’s film. It has a really dated feel to it, I’m not sure if it was purposeful or not or if it was just bad film equipment and editing that went into this project. One thing I will say about this movie is that it is pretty dang funny. It has some really dumb gory scenes that look really fake, hilarious editing like the guy getting run over by the car or falling down the stairs (you see that they just cut and had him roll down the last two stairs). Matt Hannon is a terrible actor with the most lustrous hair that Fabio would envy (it looks dumb on a cop though). Robert Z’dar was one of the few good actors in this film, but even he had a skeleton of a script to work with. Other than the (unintentional?) laughs and the beautiful actresses this movie is a joke. It also happens to be on Rifftrax which adds even more entertainment.

65/100

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Samurai Cop (1991)

Das Boot (1981)

I’d like to stick my Das Boot up Wolfgang Petersen’s… um, nevermind. I know this is a classic film that a lot of people loved, but I have to say that I think it gets really boring and repetitive after two hours. The 3 and half hour director’s cut is super hard to get through in one sitting. I did it, but I never want to do it again. There is some good acting, except for that stupid ginger guy who had some really terrible hammy acting. The dubbed voice for him was also done as annoying as possible, so I think the dubbing crew also realized the guy was a gigantic tool of the sea. I also wish this movie had more submarine battles, instead we just get one while the rest of the movie is “Dive,dive, dive!” oh! Quick surface and look for ships… Oh no! Look out depth charges… let’s wait it out guys and listen to music and eat fruit!… rinse and repeat. It starts feeling like stock footage after the second hour, watch it again after reading this and you’ll notice. It’s too bad a good movie, gets ruined by getting too lengthy. I’m giving this film the boot.

62/100

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Das Boot (1981)

Goodnight Mommy (2015)

Well I didn’t lose any sleep over this horror film. The filmmakers brought back creepy twins a la the Shining. Yes, twins are creepy and it works for the most part. I think the mother was actually more creepy than the kids throughout the film. I still don’t understand half of what happened in this movie. It also has a very non-ending ending. Some of the effects were cool and there was a good creep-factor in some of the scenes, but I thought the violence was a little too torturous. It felt like a Saw movie at times. I’m more of a thriller or Hitchcock kind of guy, violence can happen off screen, I don’t need to see eyelids being super glued shut and blood squirting out everywhere. If anyone can explain this movie to me, I’d appreciate it.

69/100

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Goodnight Mommy (2015)

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

The title alone is grating to me. It would be like “One-Eyed Willie’s Revenge: A Goonie’s Story”. Rogue One as a title would have sufficed. The cast of this movie was completely uninspiring and I’ll probably forget all of them. In fact, I just watched another movie with Ben Mendelsohn in it and it took forever to realize that I had just seen him in this movie. This felt more like the movie Valkyrie than it did Star Wars. It could be any war movie really, just felt very generic. I wanted more Vader, I loved his appearance towards the end and was finally getting excited, but it was short-lived. My biggest problem with this movie? The accents. Everyone seemed to be from a different country on Earth I was assuming. I heard Aussie accents, French, maybe German and a lot of British accents. It didn’t make any sense to me and it was distracting. Well, as I guessed, Disney is pumping out mediocre Star Wars films at a clip that would shame the Millennium Falcon’s Kessel run. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

65/100

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Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Blackhat (2015)

This movie at times made me black out. It was just so choppy, it was hard to follow. I also just can’t see beefcake Chris Hemsworth as this awesome computer geek hacker. It just didn’t make any sense. I thought Wei Tang was not only beautiful, but an excellent actress throughout this film. I’m not exactly sure why Viola Davis was in this, she seems like she should be in better movies than this. I like movies about computers and hacking (even the movie the Net!) but this one didn’t really hold my attention. It just felt like waiting for a dial-up modem to connect. Loud noises and all.

64/100

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Blackhat (2015)